Self realization vs. Self actualization (part 1)

Self realization vs self actualization

I've been miserable. I've been worse. On the flip side, I've also been better. 

The past few months have been pure shit for me. Everything around me was making me miserable as all hell. And it only took me a few moments on twitter yesterday to realize all this. 

I had been a real asshole to total strangers in the recent months. Maybe I can blame this on something. Or a whole collection of somethings. Bundled up together into one big something that ended up seeping out to my timeline on twitter. 

I don't know. Maybe. 

Wikipedia defines Self-realization as follows:

“Self-realization is a maturing of the ego or personality to accept its own evanescence and thus allow space for the true Self to reveal itself. The sun veiled by clouds is an apt metaphor for the Self's apparent absence in our everyday lives. The dissolution of the ego's obsessive, internal pre-occupations with its psycho-somatic complexes frees the psyche's energy to directly experience reality of the world as it is, free of any assumptions.”

I think that pretty much sums up what I think I was/am going through. 

I can't pinpoint exactly when all this started, but what I can say is that I'm glad it's coming to an end. 

I have never been as miserable as I have been in the past few months/years. I hate this small lifeless city I'm stuck in. I don't like the fact that there's absolutely nothing to do here except drink. Which is something I don't wanna find myself doing as a way to distract myself or whatever. Speaking of which… I haven't had alcohol in over 6-7 months. That's something worth celebrating, right?

I hated the fact that I was doing a job I no longer enjoyed because of what I mentioned above. You go to work, come back home, do it again tomorrow. And in the same job, you do the same mundane tasks that you've been doing for 4+ years. No growth. No challenges. No fun.  

I had to get out. I have to get out. 

You try bring something new to the table by challenging the status quo, only to be told, "that's the way it's always been done, don't change it." Why am I here then?

I wanted to focus this post more on my behavior on Twitter. I've been a real douche because of my situation on this end of the screen. I hated my job so much that I couldn't stand to see anyone happy about what they were doing. Regardless of what it was. Some I kept untyped, but some managed to leave my thoughts, through to my finger tips onto my timeline. I'm sorry for that. 

A part of me was waiting for someone to say something so I can jump on them. Take out my frustrations on them. No matter who they were. Or what they did. It was that bad. 

I'm honestly and truly sorry for that. 

I always had the feeling that I was just hating on people because I was miserable. Which I should have acknowledged earlier, but I didn't. Now I am. 

I'm sorry to everyone I offended, hurt, attacked and or insulted. 

The only joy in my life was my wife and child — who is busy reaching for my phone, trying to help me type this at the moment. Beyond that I really didn't have much. Yes I had money and a new car but that wasn't enough. 

"What good is a man to gain the world and lose his soul?"

*cue violins* 

I had lost my soul. I know that's all a bit melodramatic, but that's really how I feel about this whole thing. 

I had lost what made me who I am. I lost interest in things I thought would be with me forever. I wanted to get tattoos, I didn't. I was very active on Facebook for a while, I stopped even checking it. I have a photo-journal ( http://vida.tehpapercut.com ) I haven't updated since… I don't even know. 

Basically it seems I just lost interest in living. And seeing other people living their lives on social networks exasperated that. Made me realize how miserable my life was, in comparison. 

Which brings me to the next half of this blog post… self-actualization. 

I think I'll make that a part2. My baby needs me. 

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Oblivion

I keep saying to myself that if I were a musician, I'd be long forgotten by now.

Main reason for this is that I've been feeling a bit useless lately. Though not completely.

Maybe "useless" is a bit of a strong word — unproductive, maybe.

Yes, unproductive.

As you may, or may not know, I consider myself a creative. A designer for/on many different media.

But recently, I haven't really been feeling like a creator of any sort.

I have a lot of ideas that remain just that — ideas.

I can't seem to find the time or energy to realise the ideas into physical/digital form.

One the web design side of things, I have done a lot of sketches (by hand) that still need to be digitized. Now, do I think they'll ever get digitized? No. Why? I dunno.

I've designed a lot of new stuff for my clothing company 27 Degrees Clothing, yet they too might never see the light of day. Why? I have no clue.
Maybe I'm just worried I might print them in their droves and no one will like them. Maybe the same applies to the web designs. Maybe someone might think they are a bit too "out there" and different.

Maybe I'm just scared of my own potential success. Speaking of... I was chatting to a person on Twitter a few months/weeks ago and she mentioned a condition where procrastinators suffer from a thing called "self-sabotage".
Now, I know in this age of new conditions popping up everywhere you go, it's pretty easy to attach oneself to the next big thing. But... after reading up on the "condition", I think I might be part of that group of people.

Self-sabotage is not an act, it's a process, a complex, tragic process that pits people against their own thoughts and impulses.

Well, it's no secret that I'm a procrastinator. But at the same time, I feel that I'm more of a planner than just a get-up-and-do-it kinda person. I do more planning than actual action. And that's a bit of a problem for me.

Yeah, that was my lame attempt at justifying my "I'll do it later" ways. Sad attempt at that.

Maybe I am a self-saboteur.

When it comes to self-sabotage, procrastination is king.

I must admit, when I started writing this post, I had no idea where I was going with it. Ended up opening up a lot about my innermost thoughts. Strange. Hope no one finds this. ...as I publish across all web platforms. :) LOL!

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YFM chronicles

I woke up with YFM on my mind today.

Strange.

Maybe I was feeling nostalgic after seeing a snippet of their studios on TV last night.

Maybe I was just sad at where the brand, YFM is at this particular point in time.

Maybe.

I remember YFM back when I had no idea what YFM was. It had this allure about it. The mysterious (to me) voice of the Joburg youth. The unofficial youth representative.

To this day, I still don't have a clue as to what the Y in YFM stands for, but for the longest time, I've always convinced myself that it can only stand for one thing and one thing only... Youth.

I used to hear/read about YFM a lot in the papers and on TV. The idea of a youth radio station fascinated me somewhat. I had never really had much interest in radio, or the 'behind-the-scenes' part of it until I heard about YFM. At the time, YFM is the reason I was convinced that sound engineering was what I wanted to do.
After seeing some career shows about radio, and the technical side of it, I was sold on the idea. Next stop was to research as much as possible about my future employer.

I remember when I first saw Y-Mag on the magazine stands at a local filling station, I didn't even think twice about buying it. And i bought it every month thereafter. A few memorable covers spring to mind — the Zola cover, with him wearing a blue & red Loxion Kulca jacket; the Lebo Mathosa cover with her red wig/weave...

First issue of Y-Mag

My favourite issues were always the bumper issues... your Dec/Jan-type issues. Because I knew for a fact that that might just keep me going till the next issue.

I bought the magazine religiously until it went off the shelves for no apparent reason. I was convinced the reason was that people in my community weren't buying the mag and had they had to stop stocking it as a result. I was pissed! Pissed because I BOUGHT IT! So I was sure everyone else had to buy it too.
I remember the day I went to get my latest issue, and couldn't find it. I was convinced that I was a bit too early. Maybe if I waited a few more days it would show up on the stands. It didn't. I couldn't understand why. I had timed the delivery date perfectly — the 27th of each month — without fail!

I was so sad.

To this day, I still don't know what ever happened to Y-Mag. But, according to Wiki, it basically imploded. Much like the radio station is today... but more about that later...

I tried finding a replacement in SL magazine. Seeing as it was from the same publishing company, but it just didn't feel the same.
Sidenote: It was through SL mag that I discovered 5FM.

Bear in mind that I had never ever ever heard even a single broadcast of this illusive YFM. All I knew about YFM was what I had read about in the magazine. I remember their 'Parental
 Advisory, Explicit Content' 2-page spread before the music review pages. This was my monthly fix on what's the latest in the music industry. Who's released an album, what was hot, what wasn't.

I remember at tertiary, spending the time in between classes browsing yworld.co.za. It was like an extension of the mag. But better somehow. Eventhough I had no idea what I was doing on the internet back then. I just enjoyed seeing who was on air at the time...

I remember seeing RudeBoy Paul & Unathi, Bad-Boy T, Shabba, Phat Joe, Chilli M... and all the rest, and just picturing what their shows sounded like.

Then Chilli went to MetroFM later on... Unathi was on Castle Live... Phat Joe got a TV spot...

Things were looking good. I could finally get a taste of what the culture was like at YFM. Ambitious people who refuse to remain one place too long.

Fast-forward to 2004. I am in Gauteng for the first time. I remember seeing a huuuuge billboard of DJ Fresh, some guy and a girl. Wearing their gowns/pyjamas with toothbrushes in the mouth an all. Guess what radio station they were advertising...? YFM!

So, naturally what's the first thing I wanna do soon as I'm settled in Pretoria? That's right, isten to YFM!

After years and years of fiddling with my radio, back home in the Free State, I was finally gonna be able to tune to 99.2Mhz and get a dose of what my soul had been yearning all these years - taste of GP youth culture. Finally!

This is back when DJ Fresh was still with Y, before moving to 5FM. He hosted a breakfast show with a guy with the same name as him - Thato. Can't even remember what their show was called (was it "Thatho & Thato in the Morning"?) No clue.

First thing I hear as I tune into Y for the first time is Fresh's contagious laughter. you could tell it was genuine, that this person is actually so free in his environment that he can't help but laugh like he's in the privacy of his own home. From that moment on, I was hooked!

I listened, religiously every morning. I used to work 5 minutes (walk) away from where I lived, but I made it a point that I listened to the show from the very beginning. From 6am up until I was almost late for work. People at work could never understand how I managed to arrive late at work while living so close.

As the years went by, I appreciated more and more how people at Y were popping up in other media fields... William Lehong (the black Chinese) was a sports reader (I dunno what they call it) on Y, he's not on eNCA. McFarlane Moleli was a news reader on Thato & Thato's show, he's now also employed by eNCA as a news reader.

The other half of the Thato & Thato franchise, Thato, is now a co-host on a MetroFM show...

Anyway, with all this nostalgia... it just saddens me that the YFM that made my GP stay, so memorable and unforgettable has become what is it today.

Where everyone and anyone who wants to be on radio can. No credentials needed. No special talents necessary.  Just be popular and you are welcome on YFM. When I hear that someone is a 'DJ' on YFM, I don't get as excited as I used to. Like when I heard DJ Sbu was causing chaos at YFM. And the good kind of chaos at that. I couldn't wait to hear the show. The jokes, the laughter, the overall ambiance of his show. The same format which basically spilled over to his CD compilations with snippets of the show as intros and outros.

Now everyone and anyone with a connection can make it on YFM. I'm not happy at all.

I'll leave this here. I could go on the whole day...

...maybe I should break this post into parts; seeing as this one is soooo long.

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Complacency is death

So...

I think I need a change.
I need a more rewarding line of work.
Not necessarily money-wise.
I'm cool with that.
I need a new lease on this whole work-life thing.

I need to be doing more than what I'm doing now.
I wanna come to work, be presented with a challenge other than doing the same thing I've been doing for the past ±4 years.

To come to work and be allowed full creativity.
No needless paperwork — memos, requests for this and that...
Just allow me to create.
I'm stifled by all these bureaucratic loops and hurdles I have to jump through every time.

Also...

I need to go deeper into the creative industry.
Completely immerse myself in it.
I feel that I might regret/resent the decisions I'm (not) making right now.
Hopefully the magazine industry will allow me an outlet for all these pent-up creative juices.

I'm a creative, but I'm not really creating anything (new).
I hate this feeling.
I'm limited.
Either I'm limited by my environment or I'm allowing my environment to limit me.

I keep making excuses about what's in the way of me going a specific direction.
This instead of just going that direction and throwing caution to the wind.

Plus...

I feel that I have a built-in timeline for how long I stay in one job — 4 years.

It took me that many years to start really hating my previous job and looking for a way out.
I'm almost four years into this one, and complacency is already starting to kick in.
I hate that.
Mainly because deep down, I really love my job and enjoy it.
I hate feeling like I have nothing more to offer, because of all these red tapes.

I wish government would allow for more freedom.
Maybe if the people in charge were from the private sector.
Government needs a private sector mindset in order to move forward.
And this is not only internally. 

Anyway...

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Successful Black

This post is inspired by the last few tweets I just posted...

Am I the only one who feels that media still pushes the successful, straight-haired black female image down our throats on the daily?

Which were, in turn, inspired by the daily rubbish that's on mainstream media day in and day out!
I fail to understand why Black beauty has been boxed in to fit a certain look. I don't know why the less African you look, the more successful you are perceived to be.

Why is it that the Black woman with the dreadlocks is always depicted as a "naturalist" a "free spirit"? Possible job title = Artist/Freelancer/Self-empoyed. Why?
Why can't a successful black person have dreads and be a successful CEO of some big corporate?

Why must success be linked to looking more European and less Afrikan? Why?

Are dreadlocks and the overall Afrikan look considered untidy? If so why? Is walking around with hair that isn't yours considered more cleaner than my own Afrikan hair? Why though?

That doesn't make sense to me.

Why must the young successful Black female have plastic/fake hair to be taken seriously? Am I the only one who sees flaw n this logic? How is it that plastic hair trumps real hair in the boardroom?
Shouldn't it be the other way round?

If a white person walked into a boardroom full of execs wearing fake black hair, would he/she be taken seriously or laughed at? Would a white person even think of doing something like that? If not, then why must we continue to mold and reshape ourselves to fit what they consider appropriate or acceptable? Why can't our "acceptable" be our acceptable and their acceptable be just that for them?

I hate the fact that we've sidelined our own Afrikan-ness in exchange for what is acceptable by the white race. In fact, I don't think they have so much power over us that they can dictate what is right or wrong when it comes to our appearance. We are imposing these beliefs on ourselves. Actually, no, scratch that. They are imposing these looks on us. They are the ones heading the advertising industry, they are the ones responsible for what we see on our TV screens every day. They dictate what is acceptable and what isn't.
Damn, can't believe I almost fell for that – "it's not them, it's us" shit.
Although at the end of the day us ans individuals are responsible for how we want the world to view us... we really don't have much to refer to. All we are surrounded by are images of success through the eyes of the oppressor. Why can't we have more pro-black success figures instead of what are, in jest, black-painted white ideals?


I'll tell you why, because Blackness is seen as a once off thing. Not an every day occurrence. We are not used to being Black all the time. Not used to being Afrikan all the time. We are given a day, a month every year, where we can be all the Afrikan we want. As long as we go back to what has been set as the default Blackness at the end of it all. Long as we go back to what fist the predefined mold of what a Black Afrikan is supposed to look like so as to keep the white man at ease. Lord knows no one should make the white man uncomfortable in his  world. Stay in your lane. Stay the way they've decided you should look/feel/be.

We need more images of "Black excellence" than the ones we see on the catwalks of successful fashion lines that have that one token Blackie to appease the Blacks. Images that define Black Excellence in what it really is – Black + Excellence. Not the Black nation being successful within the confines of white borders. ... "you can't look a certain way ALL THE TIME" "your version of beauty is doesn't fit my environment"

I'm done. I can go on for hours on this topic...
*sigh*

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