Monster: "I ain't a monster"

I have been trying my best to avoid writing about this because it's almost on every other blog...

But to come out and tell the world how "not a monster" you are... is just...

Anyway...

In case you've been living under a rock for the past few months... here's the deal:

Actor, singer and songwriter Chris Brown, has released a video on the ever popular "Broadcast Yourself" webste YouTube claiming that he's gonna release a new album and ending with the words "I ain't a monster". And his friend Bow Wow adding with... "belie'e [read: believe] that".




Now I'm not saying there's anything wrong with broadcasting yourself and telling your "real fans" that you're not a monster. But let's take a sneak peak at what you've done so far to prove that you're "not a monster" shall we...?

Dear Mr Not-A-Monster, Please don't sue me for this. This is stuff that's been fed to me by the media, seeing as I wasn't there.

Ok, let's continue...

1. You had "an altercation" with your girlfriend.
2. You allegedly beat her up.
2.1. You beat a woman up like she was a grown-ass man.
3. You're trying to open a case against the cops

Now let's break it down...

1. You allegedly had an "altercation" with your girlfriend

Nothing wrong with this. I'm pretty sure many of people out there have had and are possibly gonna continue to have "altercations" with their partners.
I guess it's just one of those things that are included in the relationship package. The down side of them if you will...

I'm using the word "altercation" because that's what the media has labeled it.

I, for one, can safely say I have never had an "altercation" that has led to what you did next...

2. You allegedly beat her up

I have no idea what made you decide to escalate the alleged "altercation" to a full on assault. But you did.

Which led to this:

Now, I'm no expert when it comes to analysing pics or anything like that. But this pretty much looks like how you'd beat up a guy who was trying to take your life.

So...

2.1. You allegedly beat a woman up like she was a grown-ass man

There's absolutely nothing on the face of this planet that she could've possibly done to deserve being beat up like this. Nothing. Whatever the reason may have been at the time. Whatever made you decide to lay your hands on her, is never a reason to beat a woman like that.

I don't care who you are, there's absolutely no reason.

If you feel like you can't handle the situation, do the next logical thing... walk away. Yes, you can be tempted to "knock some sense into her", but don't. It's not necessary. If you can't talk it out, shut-up and walk away.

3. You're trying to open a case against the cops for leaking evidence

Hmm... let's see... how about you DON'T beat women up? Let's start there. How about you start by NOT providing a need for evidence? Won't that work out better for you??

I'm jut saying here. *shoulder shrug*

---

Now that we've got that out of the way...

I don't understand how Rihanna's father can support her daughter's decision to get back together with the Aint-A-Monster in question. What kind of father does that?

If that were my daughter or any of the women in my life I would be sharing court dates with the Monster. I promise, I wouldn't hold back. I don't understand how anyone should be raising their hand to a woman in the first place.

I know there are situations that can raise temperatures so high that you end up doing things out of anger, (trust me) but what this guy did is totally inexcusable.

I hope he goes to jail. I don't hope he gets raped or anything like that (though that's not really up my hoping or not) but I just hope he goes there, and gets beaten up a couple of times. That's all. Even if it's for weeks on end. Just don't kill him, I like his music... :)

read more...

Paah aah!

Yeah, you read right. I said 'paah aah!' Come on you can do it too... 'paah aah'.

I know you're sitting there (I hope you're sitting) wondering what the hell 'paah aah' is.

Well, let me break it down to you.

Paah aah: pronounced - phaah-aah!

In my quest to better understand the unique yet unbelievably simillar race that is Black. Especially the South African version of this complex nation.

Only in South Africa (I say this because I've only lived here) will you find a black person who intentionally chooses to pronounce things differently. Simply because "that's how it's pronounced" - according to them at least.

In case you're still scratching your head and still reading this in hopes to really figure out what the hell paah aah is, then let me give you some hints...

It rhymes with 'power hour' actually, it doesn't rhyme with 'power hour' as much as it is power hour. That's right. Paah aah is the Black South African version of the phrase "power hour".

I know you're wondering why it's spelt that way, well, like I mentioned earlier, that's how your "educated" back person pronounces it. Everybody else is just doing it wrong. They know better. They know how these things were supposed to be pronounced in the first place. And they are here to save us from ourselves.

Power hour is not the only phrase that's pronounced this way. Almost anything that has anything to do with anything can sound like something you've never ever heard before. Even if the black person is repeating what you just said.

You: "Did I just say anything?"

Me: "Yes. Anything."

• 'Italy' can very easily be 'Edly' as it gently rolls of the "educated" tongue.


• Before you know it... "Hour" becomes "Aah". Next thing you know, no-one's saying "I'll be there in an hour" it's now "I'll be there in an aah".

Don't you dare say I never warned you. I'm looking out for your best interests here...

Today's assignment: Ask any black person to spell the word 'embarrassment' to you. Just as a test.

Listen very carefully as he/she (usually a she - no idea why) fixes her lips, clears her throat and then starts off:

E-M-B-A-

(...just as you least expect it. She hits you with the A-bomb...)

-aah-aah-A-S-S-M-E-N-T

WHAAAT!?

In that nasal English accent she's been practising so vehemently after every episode of any given American TV show.

It's not like I can't spell 'embarrassment' that's basically how it'll sound as it blesses your inexperienced ears as the "educated" folk showers you with years of Joint-Matriculation Board English.

All "R's" become "aah's" simply coz it's so uncool to pronounce the letter R as it God intended.

Why? Because that's how it was meant to be pronounced. You're just behind. You haven't caught up with the times yet.

Beware of the dangerously educated black tongue!

edit:
Don't EVER ask the "educated" black person to say "Rick Ross". All you'll hear is "Wick Woss" - You don't want that!

read more...

Closing date motivation

Give any black person anything to do and the first thing they'll ask you is... "when do you want this?".

Regardless of how urgent the thing already is, they'll still ask... "by when?". You can give a black person a time-bomb with 30 seconds left on the timer, and they'll still ask you... "by when should I defuse this?"

You know why?

Black people are motivated by a deadline.

In any way shape of form. As long as it has a due date, a black guy (for political correctness: by guy I mean a black person) wont do it until there's at least an hour before the closing date/time or whatever.

Try this, observe any random black person looking for a job for instance. What's the first thing they look for? You guessed it... THE CLOSING DATE! Never mind if they even qualify for the damn job. All they really wanna know is... "when should I start applying for this job?". Not "by when should I have submitted my application?"

What they want is when the last day is, so they can fill in the form the night before, then run around getting coppies certified, etc. All this while telling anyone who cares to listen "closing date is today, I need to apply!" And they always seem to have some permanent grin on their faces while looking for that ever illusive stapler.

Even competitions are like that. We don't enter shit! Not because we can't or we don't want to. We just wait for the closing date to come so we can go mail that entry form.

Not once have you ever heard a black person say, "oh, that, I've entered already". Never, not once, not ever! NEVAR!!!

Then we complain when we don't win shit.

How many times have you seen a black guy saying "I've never won anything in my life!"? Huh?? All the time? Thought as much.

That one guy who happens to win anything is that dude who happened to be persuaded by some sales person to enter now. Either that, or that over-eager relative entered on their behalf! He was probably gonna wait till the closing date any way.

Is seems the words "Closing Date" translates to something like "Start By" when it comes to black people.

Have you seen how many black people are in queues on the last day of anything? Anything and everything.

• Lottery queues are longest on the day of the draw
• Queues are longest on the last day of tax returns at the revenue service's offices

Basically queues in general are longest on the last day, because of black people. We don't get out of the house unless there's a reason. And that reason better be a closing date, otherwise we aint going nowhere.

We wont settle our debts till we get a FINAL letter of demand from whoever we owe. And unless that letter has a "Payment due by" date, then they might as well come get the money themselves.

Black women won't take maternity leave until that baby's about to pop out. And when they get labout pains at work, they claim "But the doctor said in two weeks!?!" LOL! Ok, I'm gonna stop now.

I'm not saying I'm innocent in all this. But I do try. And I have won a couple of competitions in my time.

Peace!

I love my black people!

read more...

teh Newness [part 2]

Changed my blog once again. The other template was taking too long to load. So I resorted to something more minimalistic.

If you've been here before, you'll also notice some changes on the right panel. There are fewer things now. This is after all, MY BLOG, not a portal to some other random sites.

If you don't like the new changes, I suggest you go find something better to do with your time.

:)

I haven't been posting in a while, sorry about that...

read more...

I was having a good day until...

Today started off ok.

Was working at a killa pace, until I decided to take a tehno-break and go wandering off into cyberspace.

First, I wanted to check where my blogs were standing on Afrigator.co.za when I realised my position had dropped dismally for both my blogs (this one and SkinArt). tehPaperCut (the one you're reading this on) has dropped from #669 a while ago (can't remember when last I checked) to #2107 in South Africa.

To make that even worse, I was welcomed by a big-ass banner ananouncing how I had missed nominations for this year's BlogAwards.

Like I said, today was off to a good start until I realised one thing; I don't blog as much as I used to. But can you blame me? I have around five websites that I have to work on at least on a daily basis. Prioritising has kicked my other personal stuff down to the very bottom of this here list of five.
Add to that designs I do on the side and for work. My 16 hour days are just not long enough. :'(

I'm more torn up by missing the BlogAwards than dropping to #2107. :'(

This clearly shows that I had very little to do at my other jobs if I blogged as much as I did.

This could be seen as a good thing, but I'm a bit undecided on that one...

I gotta get back on top of my game, there's no other way!

read more...

Reality sucks

Breaking news!

Apparently the last two finalists on idols are gonna share the winnings (i.e. the car, the recording contact, etc.). [read more about it here]

But that's not what I wanna talk about. I wanna tackle the whole issue surrounding the state of international reality TV shows syndicated in SA.

I think we're a real disgrace when it comes to these kind of things. I think we're too concerned with not being hated that we're losing credibility by the owners of the TV shows we're meant to be promoting on our side. I mean it's now two TV shows that are genetically a "one winner takes it all" affair, and yet we've managed once again to fuck the system up.

When The Apprentice - my most favourite reality show - was gonna have a local version. I was flipping excited. I was anxious to see what the locally successful people would bring to the table in terms of quality entertainment. Needless to say, I wasn't disappointed by the very first boardroom meeting where Mr Tokyo Sexwale (former politicial cum businessman) had to fire someone... and instead of the generic "you're fired!!!" made famous by The Donald he goes and rapes it with... wait for it... "you're dismissed". Notice how there's no exclamation point? That's because he says it so apologetically, the person beind "dismissed" isn't sure if they're off the show or they have to go stand outside.

Then at the end of the season, where Mr Sexwale has to appoint someone who's gonna join his Mvelaphanda empire (crappy name, I know) he doesn't choose someONE as etched into our TV watching brains. He goes and decides to rearrange the whole thing and hires two apprentices instead (the two seated ladies).

Why you ask?

Because he didn't want the other woman (yes, they're both women) to throw her stiletto at him or something. Basically he decides to rewrite the script for some unknown reason.

Now there's Idols, where they messed up and then make up for it by having two winners. Why?? Why should there be two winners when the guy beat the girl by over 200 000 votes. Makes no sense! How is that validate there being two winners basing it on a tie. I don't know what school the auditors went to, but I'm pretty sure 1.1 million votes is less than 1.3 million. I'm just saying.

Moral of the story... What's the point of even voting when they're gonna give the final two the title?

This is some bullshit.

I wont be surprised if, like The Apprentice, we never get Idols again.

I never watched the damn thing, but my reputation as a South African is at stake here. We should stop being so damn diplomatic about things. If you're a loser, then you're a loser. Tough. You'll get over it.

read more...

Save me from all this porn!

Oh dear God, I need a prayer!


A few minutes ago, I was on a very popular website called Google. On this particular website, there's a link you can click on to search for images. But if you're smart like me, you can just go type in images.google.com into the address bar instead.


So I went to GoogleImages and typed in what I was looking for - which was a picture I could use for a blog post I wanted to write - when I came across this picture:

( direct link )

Now, you might look at this and think... (well, I don't know what you might think) ...but the point is. I think this picture is very inappropriate. I won't even mention the website URL on here. I just think a website with a name like thefoodpornographer.com is something I should be sharing freely on such an open medium. There should be a warning or something that pops up letting you know what you're about to see... Now I can't keep my eyes off it! Crap!!!

It's basically like watching porn, you know you probably shouldn't but you keep watching to see what's next.

Let's get back to the main point here. I was basically so traumatised by the sight of this particular picture (not to mention the website) that I just couldn't concentrate. I think this is exactly what porn does to one. Accidental porn at that. I wasn't looking to find a site that just so tastefully captures one of my favourite subjects. It definately aroused my senses. My mouth watered at the sight of the website's home page... Eish...

I love food with a passion, and coming across something like this has made me realise exactly how little my options were when it comes to food. I basically eat more or less the same food every week. Now, I'm no expert but I'm pretty sure this is unhealthy.

And seeing this site only an hour from lunch didn't help much either. This is the kind of website people wouldn't understand if they caught me scrolling through. Only a foodie will understand my situation.

I like the fact that the lady who runs it updates it so regularly and covers everything. From fast food to home-cooked meals, to pastry dishes. So there's never a "I've been on this page before" moment. Great stuff.

I love it!

Thanks TFP, for the great porn, I'm lovin' it!

Gotta get me some more porn, be right back!!! I'm addicted!!!!

Somebody pray for me!

***edit:

I just had to come back and share these particular pages with you...

• http://www.thefoodpornographer.com/?p=1499
• http://www.thefoodpornographer.com/?p=1571
• http://www.thefoodpornographer.com/?p=1577
• http://www.thefoodpornographer.com/?p=1466

damn!

read more...