I never told you

My life is ok.

I’m happy as hell.

I’m not sure how you are.

The last time I saw you, you were smiling, so that’s the image I carry with me always. Actually the very last time I ever saw you, you were all squashed up in the back seat of a taxi. I tried to get your attention. I thought of calling you but I knew it would be minutes before the phone rang on your side so I can tell you to look out the window to see me. We were in two different taxis going two different ends of the same town. You had always invited me to your place, but I always came up with some excuse. I guess I was just lazy to come to your side of the world. No idea why. I regret that. I don’t really have any other regrets except for that one thing.

I really wish I had spent a little more time with you. Gotten to know you a bit more. Whenever we were together we could never really talk because you were somehow always a bit busy with work or whatever. We really should’ve made time. I should’ve made time for that. I wanted so much to know more about you. What you were about. What troubles you faced in your life. What made you happy. Really and truly happy. If only…

I’ll never ever get the chance to hear you speak to me again. The stupid jokes. That smile. I’m sure I’ll get to see your face again. But I guess until then, all I’ll have are the pictures of you. Because I n all of them you’re wearing that big smile that I remember you by. If that’s all that’ll keep you in my heart, then that’s all I’ll ever need.

I wish I knew more about you. Your family. Your friends. You spoke about them, but I had never met them. Guess I didn’t try hard enough. I blame myself for the fact that we lost contact somehow. Probably at a time when you needed me most. There’s no excuse or reason for that. I was trying to salvage something that didn’t even deserve the amount of energy I had been busy putting into it. A total waste of time.

I’m really sorry about everything. About the way things turned out. It really didn’t have to end the way it did. In fact it didn’t have to end at all. I should still be able to look at our pictures, call you up and make plans for the next time we’d be together.

I miss your smile. So broad. So genuine. So real.

I don’t know why I’m thinking about you. But I am. And I know you’re looking out for me… Thanx for that.