Finding Jesus...

...I just remembered this after saying "Lord knows" in the previous post...

Here goes nothing...



There's something that's been gnawing at my brain for ages now... I think I need to share it with y'all!

Why is it that when people are lying on their death beds or just found out they're dying from some desease, that they suddenly decide to find Jesus and get saved and what not.

You hear of people getting HIV/AIDS after sleeping around with tons of different sexual partners, without a care in the world, with Jesus not crossing their minds even for a second.
I don't understand how people can be so reckless with their lives knowing the dangers that lie out there. I have very little sympathy for people who don't protect themselves, get infected and all of a sudden want us to help save them.

I guess it only makes logical sense to turn to Christ when you're in trouble. But why not turn to him even before you get into trouble; while things are still going great, and you're healthy and all? Why should we cry with you when you can't take yourself to the loo and shit all over yourself? Why? Why is it that all of a sudden when you get infected you decide to preach to us about the dangers of HIV/AIDS? The same dangers were there long before you got yourself infected. If you didn't listen to those that came before you that tried to warn you, what makes you think the stuff you're saying is actually getting through to those like you (the you before you got infected)?

I've got nothing against people who decide to turn their lives around after something bad has happened to them, but what I'm against, is... waiting for something bad to happen to you before you do.

I've never really had anything bad happen to me. I've never been involved in drugs, I don't have a terminal desease, I'm not involved in any sort of crime. Does that mean I should wait for something drastic to happen before changing for the greater good? NO! I can do it anytime I want. I don't have to wait for test results to tell me that now is is the time.

I'm not a sait I'm still a sinner, and I know most of us are, and am not damning anyone for choosing to change their lives after realising the errors of their ways.

In the same breath, I'm not saying that when you give your life over to Christ you automatically stop being a sinner. Even if you might (wanna) appear Holier-than-thou in public, only you and your god know what you do behind closed doors. We've all heard of the seedy (no pun intended) things "holy" people do when no one's watching. The very same people who were the first to cast the stone; then when those things come out into the open, people are quick to say... "who would've thought?". Forgetting that before being Christian/spiritual beings/the Blessed ones, you are first and foremost, human. And making mistakes, whether you learn from them or not, is part and parcel of being human.

I would hate to be one of those people. I don't go to church. I don't pray everyday. I don't read the Bible. But I do ...(I know you've heard ths before)... believe in God and that through Him everything and anything is possible. As tempting as it is to blame Him when things go wrong and to praise Him when everything's peachy... I don't. I believe He gives each one of us a choice and it's up to us to choose what to do and what to make of those choices and decisions. I make use of every opportunity that comes my way (sometimes) and if it doesn't go my way, I know it's no-one's fault but my own. I made the wrong decision... if I were to wake up one day and to find out I was HIV positive, I wouldn't turn around and point a finger at God and say it's his fault I got infected. I wouldn't blame anyone but myself. I was the one who chose not to put a condom on. I'm the one who "didn't wanna break the mood", and put it in without thinking twice. So it's not a matter of how he's turned his back on me, it's all about choices.

I believe in everything I do (or don't do), I have/had a choice.

I have nothing against you if you choose to turn to God after having made wrong choices time and time again. I hope everything works out for you.

Everytime you fall, pick something up.

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[#2] Good news...

This is bad!

I don't get how I never seem to have any good news.

This sucks! I can't remember the last time I actually had anything good happen to me to share with anyone. I think the last time I had anything good to share was when I bought my flat. And even then I was half-happy because it's a big-ass step and you don't just take that lightly.

I called a friend of mine the other day, I wanted to tell her something, she couldn't talk at the time (was busy with her dad) so she asked me if it were good news...

It was then that it dawned on me that I never have any good news to share with people. Don't get me wrong I'm not depressed or anything along those lines. I'm very happy with the little I've got. I love the way things are. I admit I do feel like my life is a bit of a routine most of the time, but I'm pretty okay with stuff. I've got no grudges with anyone or anything like that.

Don't misinterpret this, but I just feel like nothing good ever happens to me. But then again, what doesn't seem like good news to me could turn out to be great news to you. So maybe overlooking the little things in my life is what I do most of the time, but maybe that's exactly what I need to do to achieve bigger, better and greater things in my life.

Maybe I need to start entering competitions or something, so I can win something and tell someone about it. :) lol!

Last time I entered anything I won (a 10-CD hamper), and the time before that (7 years apart) I won (my first and ony pair of rollerblades... yeah!!).

So maybe I should start big. Start playing the lottery or something major like that. I'm pretty sure I'd win hands down. But there're a lot of people out there who need the money more than me, so I'll let them win some first before I jump in and rake in the millions. :)

In the mean time, I guess I could focus on the little things, like getting a goddamn girlfriend. Damn! It's been way too long. Lord knows I've been trying though, so you can't say nothin...

Or getting my driver's licence... yeah, that would definately be good news to tell someone...

I don't think getting a tattoo would be considered good news, but oh well....

One day at a time...

:p

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[#1] Dear you... (aka the letter)

Hey,

I'm hoping you're alright coz I sure am.

I've been wanting to talk to you for quite a while now. If only you'd taken the time to pick up your phone.

Anyways... here goes...

I saw you on my way to the post office. You and your friend walked by me like you didn't even see me. That was cool though, coz I most definately saw you.

For a while after I saw you, I just wanted to get to know you and get close to you somehow. I went about my merry way, to the post office, and while I was there, you were all I could think about. Luckily for me, there were only a few people ahead of me. I grew impatient as this old lady was having some kinda difficulties understanding the difference between fast mail and normal mail.

When it was finally my turn with the teller, I tried to be as quick as I could and it worked out just fine. I was in and out of there as quick as I could.

I got out the post office, and finally you were the only thing on my mind. I walked as fast as I could hoping to see you in the vacinity of where you were. I walked opposite the direction you were going, hoping to run into you again. Didn't happen.

I walked back through the mall again hoping to see you. I couldn't even remember what you were wearing, all I had was your smile. I started feeling like maybe I shouldn't have let walked by me without having said anything.

When I got outside the mall, I looked accross the road for any two girls walking and talking, hoping to recognize you again. Just when I was about to give up and was heading back to the office, there you were... in your green t-shirt with an african woman printed on it. Your brown pants, the bangles around on your left hand. I soaked everything in, making up for the little I had to refer to moments earlier.

You looked up and saw me staring. I tried to play it cool, but our eyes met and I couldn't look away. I had to say something to you. I greeted, you smiled, and I knew you felt something too.

I stopped you to talk for a while, you told me your name, I had to hear it again, so I asked you to repeat it. You smiled and said it again... Linda. Linda, I didn't expect anything like that. No idea why, I just didn't. Your friend giggled as she noticed what torture you were putting my heart through...
After your failed attempt at playing hard to get, I finally got your number. Every number sounding like I was only hearing it for the first time in my life.

We parted ways and I couldn't wait to hear you voice again. So I called, but at least I had a damn good excuse... to give you my number.

The call lasted a good nine seconds, but afterwards I wished it had lasted longer, but afterwards I couldn't think of anything valid to say to you. I just walked back to the office with absolute happiness in my heart.

Nothing could ever take that from me.

I got to the office and played a Chris Brown song by mistake, a song I had never even heard before in my life. I figured this could be a good sign, and played it for the rest of the day. Copied it onto my phone and played it everywhere I went. It had all the word I had wanted to say to you should you ever ask me what I really want from you. Especially the chorus.

(song name: I Wanna Be, album: Exclusive lyrics:here)

That night, I went to bed early because I didn't wanna wait too long for it to be the next day...

I had never felt this way about anyone before, so I waited a good 3 and a half hours before I could call you. I had woken up at six in the morning. It didn't make sense to call someone so early on a Saturday morning.

I called the first time at around half past nine, and you didn't pick up. I talked myself into beleiving that you could still be sleeping or something. Nothing could get me off the cloud I was on. I decided to try again later. I thought to myself 11 sounds like a pretty good time to call. So, I did. Again, you didn't pick up.

I had to get some web design files from work, so I called you from the office phone. You picked up. Told me you had left your phone at home and had seen that I had called. At the back of my mind, I kept asking myself why you hadn't called then if you had seen my numerous attempts at getting hold of you?

On the phone you told me you were out of town for a while but would be back in an hour's time and I could come see you then.

I called you about 3 hours later from my phone... you didn't pick up. I called again a few minutes later, still... nothing.

I called again a couple of times later. A few hours apart. Nothing.

On my way from the internet cafe, I went to a public phone to call you with the coins I had gotten as change. You picked up.

By now I was starting to feel like you were avoiding my calls on purpose. I was convinced you weren't really as into me as I had initially thought. My day had gone from the best day in a long time to one of the worst. All because of some girl who mugged me, in the mall the day before, and had stolen my heart. You were slowly and slowly becoming an irritant. Everytime I called you and you didn't pick up, the part of my heart you had left behind, came up with some excuse to defend you.
I couldn't understand why you had given me your number if you weren't gonna pick up when I called? Why didn't you at least tell me that you had someone in your life (which is the excuse I told myself and have settled for)?

During the call from the public phone, you told me you had been driving and couldn't pick up when I called the million times before. And that you were still in Midrand and weren't sure when you were gonna be back in Pretoria. I asked you to call me when you finally get back here becuase I couldn't stand listening to the ringing of your phone anymore. Obviously i didn't say that to you. That was the little voice in my head starting to see you in a different light.

I'm not defending the stalkers of this world when I world when I say this, but the fact that I could never get hold of you, made me feel like finding you and confronting you demanding an answer to why you never pick up when i call you from my cellphone.

But I just told myself that if I could freeze those few minutes outside the mall and keep them with me for a lifetime, then I would. And that's exactly what I'm gonna do. (except the freezing part, lol)

In case you were wondering why I'm not calling you anymore, it's because I deleted your numbers from my phone. Even though they stuck in head for now, but I'm sure that too will pass, just like the love I had for you lasted for only a weekend.

But ultimately, I realised that it's all really your loss...

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the beginning...

Hello world.

It's been a while without posting anything.

And over the weekend (since Friday really) I've been having some serious stuff on my mind which I need to get off my chest.

It's a total of 5 different things (for lack of a better word, or for lack of the English vocab!... lol)

I was playing around with the tiltles, and I think it's gonna be something along the lines of:

• dear you...
• guns and things...
• no real good news...
• changes...

crap now, i forgot the last one...

but i'll remember, I know I wrote them down on a piece of paper somewhere...

jus remembered:

• skin and bones...

for your convenience, I'll number them 1 through to 5.

anyways, I'm not too sure in what order I'm gonna write em all. But rest assured, I'ma definately have them all up by the end of the week.

oh, Happy New year all!

:D

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