PaperCut teh CocoNut

Quick question, is that how you spell "coconut"?

Anyways, got some shocking news this morning: that I am a coconut.

Can you beleive it?

A coconut.

For some of you who don't know, in South African lingo, a "coconut" is a black person who acts white. Be it in the way they talk, behave, the music they listen to, basically the general atypical black mannerisms.

Apparently that's what I am.

A coconut.

This was after we were listening to Kaya FM's debate between Hlomla Dandala (COPE youth league member) and some other dude (ANC youth leauge member). Talking about the current state of affairs between this new political party (interim name: Congress of the People aka COPE) and the old/current regime under ANC.

Anyways, this guy we're listening to the broadcast with, out of nowhere, says he's not gonna sit here and listen to Hlomla with his coconut accent. This (I assume) is because Hlomla speaks proper English without the Xhosa (or whatever) accent. And then turns to say, like Mxolisi and them.

I'm like huh!?

And that's when it dawned on me. He's calling me a coconut becuase I speak better English than him. Oh. So the way you speak determines what you are now? Interesting.

I'm not gonna sit here and defend the way I talk, my choice in music, the way I dress, my friends, or anything else for that matter. If you think I'm a coconut, then great. At least I'm me. Imagine if I spoke the same broken English as you. I would kill myself!

Anyways.

I'm called a whole lotta things, simply because I don't call myself anything in particular. Strangers call me a Rasta because of my dreads. Sotho speaking people call me a Mosotho because of my fluency in the language.
Basically you can never tell the kinda person I am from just basing your labelling on one aspect of what you see. I'm a lot of things put together meticulously in one. It takes a long time to get to understand exactly the kind of person I am. And what I basically am about.
Case in point: I never know what to put in those online forms where they want you to fill in the 'About Me:' field. I just can't do it. I don't know why. So I instead put a whole lot of things that I think define me. I add to it every chance I get, so that means if you read it once, you'll still never really know everything about me.

So.

The moral of the story here, is that everything I'm not makes me whatever it is I am.

edit: oh, and... I don't give a flying fuck what you think of me!

:P

have a nice day.

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1001

Congratulations!


You!



Yes, you... are lucky number 1001. That means, you'll be starting us off towards 2000. Well done!
Keep it up! Tell your friends about teh PaperCut.

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teh PaperCut at 1000 degrees

One thousand visitors! Yipeeee!!!!



After blogging for over a year, I've finally reached 100 visitors. Even though I have only a handful of comments, it's still something.

Lucky visitor number 1000 was a person from Pretoria, who came here via the PCFormat forums... no idea who they are though. Otherwise I'd give them a prize. Too bad.



The most popular popular pages are as follows:

1. The main page. (Obviously)


2. Zulu girls' popular asses - Arguably the most controvesial post on this blog. For the simple fact that it disappoints so many people coz it has nothing to do with having sex with anyone or actually showing any Zulu ass. In fact, there isn't even any picture inserted in that post. Sad how misleading some clever wordplay does.


3. Constipated women. No idea why. I don't remember anyone Google-ing this, except this person:
4. And then there's the xhenophobia poem.
5. My other favourite song.
6. The "two things involved" video has also proven to be quite popular over the past few weeks.
7. Archives from June 2008 are also very popular around these parts.
8. My life story also seems to be a hit. Wonder why...?
9. And for some odd reason, people come to my blog trying to find abbreviations for some random stuff, like breakfast. Who abbreviates breakfast anyways? Plus, that blog post was a total waste of space, I was bored. Come on.
10. Last but most undeniably not least. Is my 1 wish.

To all you people who've visited my blog since it's inception. Thank you. More importantly, thanks to the person who made me start sharing my thoughts with you in the first place. (in this post). Your fuckup has been a blessing.

Selah!

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New and exciting ways to kill yourself!

That's right.



Coming to a depression clinic near you. How to kill yourself in 3 easy steps, that's right 3 easy steps.

Are you ready?

Let's go.

Ever noticed how many people are all over the papers for killing members of their family? Yes, sad, very very sad stuff right there. Then you read furhter and find out that the guy (usually it's a guy, no idea why) pointed the gun at himself and is "in a critical condition in hospital"? Irritating isn't it?
Well, if you think that's irritating, can you imagine what the guy's going through? Not only did he kill his whole family and therefore incurring a whole lot of unwanted misery in his life, he also has to live with the fact that he's such an idiot he can't even kill himself properly. Also at the back of his bedridden mind is those bloody ambulance people who resuscitated him after he tried and failed to kill himself.

How smart do you have to be to know what the most fool-proof way of killing yourself is?

I mean really.

I know this might be a touchy subject for some, but let's be real about this. Do these people realise the unneccesary stress and trauma they're putting themselves and those closest to them through? Do they even care? And by care, I mean care enough to do it right? LOL sorry... just had to throw that curveball in there.

Ok so I know you're reading this with anticipation of some proper How To instructions on executing your master plan. So here goes...

• First and fore most, identify your reasons and prioritize them. Allow me to break it down...




• You're in debt. You kill yourself. Problem solved. Right? No. That's a stupid reason. Scratch it off your list. Here's why: let's say you succeed in killing yourself over your debt; what happens after that? First off, you decided to kill your self in hopes that your debts will go away with you. Well, they didn't. Instead, you left behind a truckload of debt, which results in your house getting auctioned off to pay off your huge debt. Your car gets reposessed. Your wife is now a widow. Your kids are miserable their whole life and have to wear clothes from Salvation Army because you were careless with your money by accumulating a lotta debt you couldn't pay off. Everyone in your immediate family starts fighting over your menial inheritance because they all need it to survive after you took the stupid way out.
  So, no. Debt is not a good enough reason. Moving along...
  


• Your wife/girlfriend/gay partner decided to dump your ass. Kill yourself. Simple solution right? No. You die, he/she/it moves right along to the next sorry loser. The same sorry loser who was comforting her at your sorry ass burial. Comes to her on some "He would want you to be happy" crap. One thing leads to another. You're a memory long forgotten. Turns out love is not a good enough reason either. So we move along...
  


• The above mentioned better-half, is cheating. It's wrong yes. Boo hoo. Kill yourself. Great idea, no? No. Not great. You die. He/she still does the exact same thing you killed yourself for. And possibly even more than when you caught her with that midget in your expensive King sized bed on which you consumated your marriage. Sad really. But is it worth dying for? I don't think so... do you? I hope not.
  


• You lost your job or you got fired. Kill yourself some more. No. You die, the company reappoints a new guy to do the same job you killed yourself for. Usually the ad for your position will be out within the same week your family's mourning. So unemployement is not a good enough reason either. Crap, looks like you're running out of 'solid' reasons guy, what to do now? Oh noes...
  


• Your favourite soccer team loses. Oh no! Who would want to live after such a thing. Kill yourself. No. The same team you killed yourself for, actually has another match in two weeks time. And they're gonna win. Where will you be? That's right. You'll be dead.
  Even worse. The same team you killed yourself for, they all get paid around the same amount of money you were getting paid per annum every month. Do they shed a tear about your "untimely" death? I guess not. I wouldn't know. I'm not there when all the adoring female fans throw themselves at them over the terrible game they played. Where are you by the way? Oh, you're dead. Leaving behind all the joys of the world. So soccer or any other game for that matter, is out.
  


• Ok, so let's say you've managed to look past all the reasons I've mentioned. And you still feel you need to leave this cruel cruel World. Go for it. But how? Here's how...




• First of all make sure nobody's gonna find you. Locking yourself in your bedroom is not a great idea. Especially if you live with your mother, father, uncle, weed-smoking aunt, your ex-con half brother, his crack-addict girlfriend who happens to be the one who always asked you for money to buy another hit and of course the neighbours et al. I can guarantee you, your plan will not work. You might die yes, but most definately not from killing yourself. It may be from being killed. But not of your own means, but from your stupidity. 1) Your mother will kick some sense into your ass (not literally, but she will beat you up) for trying to kill yourself. 2) Your dad will want a piece of you for being a coward and killing yourself. 3) Your uncle will destroy you because you're the one he was hoping to get to marry the sweet girl from across the street. 4) Your aunt will beat you up for absolutely no reason, coz she's high. 5)Your brother will beat the shit outta you for trying to get him back into jail; where he was made into a sex slave by Big Joe who's serving a life sentece [so he knows for a fact that if he goes back to jail for your death, BJ will be there. Waiiting.] he's not having any of it. 5) His girlfriend will kill you for trying to take away the only other source of cash. So might as well not do it you see?
  
  Then there's the life long "He tried to kill himself... twice." You don't want that hanging over your head for the rest of your life do you? I didn't think so.
  


• Know your body. This is very important. Shooting yourself will kill you. Only if you do it right. Shooting yourself might kill you, but depends on where you shoot. Your heart is not that vein in your arm that has a pulse. Shooting yourself there is stupid. Don't do it. See the points in bullet number one.
  


• Drinking a whole 750ml bottle of alcohol will not kill you. A 43% alcohol volume is nothing. You might end up excessively stupid & drunk, but you wont die. Again, see the points in bullet number one.
  


• The last thing you need to consider, the consequences. What happens after you successfully kill yourself? What does that solve? Suicide has never solved anything. It most definately never will. What makes you think your death will solve anything anyways?

People who kill themselves are useless diots. [full stop] I'm talking to males here, coz they're the ones who kill themselves the most. Cowards.

read some more here...

I got tired of typing.

Peace & Love

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Facewash for your neck!

That's right.

Face wash wasn't only meant for your face. Aparently, it was also designed to wash your neck area as well.

Unbelievable, I know.

Allow me to edumacate you.

I was washing my face this morning, and for reasons unknown, I noticed the 'Directions of Use' at the back of the tube thing. And after a few seconds of reading, I came accross where it said 'Apply to face and neck area' or something along those lines. Pity this was after I had already washed my face, otherwise I would have given it a shot. Maybe if I had seen the instructions before washing my face I might have given the whole wash you-neck-thing a try. But then again if I had seen the instructions before I even discovered facewash, I may have learnt a long time ago washing my neck and face.

As I was saying, there I was trying to figure how to wash my neck in a basin. I couldn't wrap my head around that. I couldn't picture myself leaning over the basin with my neck directly over the water. It didn't make much sense to me. How are these Johnson's people expecting people to wash their necks. Who does that? Who washes their neck and their faces at the same time? How do you rinse? You'll probably end up with water all down your chest & torso. I've seen some people washing their face (with facewash) while in the bath tub. Now that's creative. I don't think the people at Johnson's anticipated that. I guess that's why they don't specify where you should be washing your neck (and face obviously). Maybe that's why they left out where and/or how you should be standing while trying to wash and rinse your face/neck area.

I guess the bathtub idea isn't so bad after all. But only if you really wanna wash your neck with facewash. Some of us still use the conventional way to washing our necks.

Oh well...

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I'm back!

Ok, I've decided to return to greatness.

This is it.

Ready?

Go.

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Haven't forgotten about you, ok?

I'm just a little busy with some websites.

Apologies for the long silence.

I'm still with you.

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uhm...

i was gonna post something... somehow it slipped my mind...

i'll try again later. stay tuned

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