tehPaperCut: New and exciting ways to kill yourself!

That's right.

Coming to a depression clinic near you. How to kill yourself in 3 easy steps, that's right 3 easy steps.

Are you ready?

Let's go.

Ever noticed how many people are all over the papers for killing members of their family? Yes, sad, very very sad stuff right there. Then you read furhter and find out that the guy (usually it's a guy, no idea why) pointed the gun at himself and is "in a critical condition in hospital"? Irritating isn't it?
Well, if you think that's irritating, can you imagine what the guy's going through? Not only did he kill his whole family and therefore incurring a whole lot of unwanted misery in his life, he also has to live with the fact that he's such an idiot he can't even kill himself properly. Also at the back of his bedridden mind is those bloody ambulance people who resuscitated him after he tried and failed to kill himself.

How smart do you have to be to know what the most fool-proof way of killing yourself is?

I mean really.

I know this might be a touchy subject for some, but let's be real about this. Do these people realise the unneccesary stress and trauma they're putting themselves and those closest to them through? Do they even care? And by care, I mean care enough to do it right? LOL sorry... just had to throw that curveball in there.

Ok so I know you're reading this with anticipation of some proper How To instructions on executing your master plan. So here goes...

First and fore most, identify your reasons and prioritize them. Allow me to break it down...

You're in debt. You kill yourself. Problem solved. Right? No. That's a stupid reason. Scratch it off your list. Here's why: let's say you succeed in killing yourself over your debt; what happens after that? First off, you decided to kill your self in hopes that your debts will go away with you. Well, they didn't. Instead, you left behind a truckload of debt, which results in your house getting auctioned off to pay off your huge debt. Your car gets reposessed. Your wife is now a widow. Your kids are miserable their whole life and have to wear clothes from Salvation Army because you were careless with your money by accumulating a lotta debt you couldn't pay off. Everyone in your immediate family starts fighting over your menial inheritance because they all need it to survive after you took the stupid way out.
So, no. Debt is not a good enough reason. Moving along...

Your wife/girlfriend/gay partner decided to dump your ass. Kill yourself. Simple solution right? No. You die, he/she/it moves right along to the next sorry loser. The same sorry loser who was comforting her at your sorry ass burial. Comes to her on some "He would want you to be happy" crap. One thing leads to another. You're a memory long forgotten. Turns out love is not a good enough reason either. So we move along...

The above mentioned better-half, is cheating. It's wrong yes. Boo hoo. Kill yourself. Great idea, no? No. Not great. You die. He/she still does the exact same thing you killed yourself for. And possibly even more than when you caught her with that midget in your expensive King sized bed on which you consumated your marriage. Sad really. But is it worth dying for? I don't think so... do you? I hope not.

You lost your job or you got fired. Kill yourself some more. No. You die, the company reappoints a new guy to do the same job you killed yourself for. Usually the ad for your position will be out within the same week your family's mourning. So unemployement is not a good enough reason either. Crap, looks like you're running out of 'solid' reasons guy, what to do now? Oh noes...

Your favourite soccer team loses. Oh no! Who would want to live after such a thing. Kill yourself. No. The same team you killed yourself for, actually has another match in two weeks time. And they're gonna win. Where will you be? That's right. You'll be dead.
Even worse. The same team you killed yourself for, they all get paid around the same amount of money you were getting paid per annum every month. Do they shed a tear about your "untimely" death? I guess not. I wouldn't know. I'm not there when all the adoring female fans throw themselves at them over the terrible game they played. Where are you by the way? Oh, you're dead. Leaving behind all the joys of the world. So soccer or any other game for that matter, is out.

Ok, so let's say you've managed to look past all the reasons I've mentioned. And you still feel you need to leave this cruel cruel World. Go for it. But how? Here's how...

First of all make sure nobody's gonna find you. Locking yourself in your bedroom is not a great idea. Especially if you live with your mother, father, uncle, weed-smoking aunt, your ex-con half brother, his crack-addict girlfriend who happens to be the one who always asked you for money to buy another hit and of course the neighbours et al. I can guarantee you, your plan will not work. You might die yes, but most definately not from killing yourself. It may be from being killed. But not of your own means, but from your stupidity. 1) Your mother will kick some sense into your ass (not literally, but she will beat you up) for trying to kill yourself. 2) Your dad will want a piece of you for being a coward and killing yourself. 3) Your uncle will destroy you because you're the one he was hoping to get to marry the sweet girl from across the street. 4) Your aunt will beat you up for absolutely no reason, coz she's high. 5)Your brother will beat the shit outta you for trying to get him back into jail; where he was made into a sex slave by Big Joe who's serving a life sentece [so he knows for a fact that if he goes back to jail for your death, BJ will be there. Waiiting.] he's not having any of it. 5) His girlfriend will kill you for trying to take away the only other source of cash. So might as well not do it you see?

Then there's the life long "He tried to kill himself... twice." You don't want that hanging over your head for the rest of your life do you? I didn't think so.

Know your body. This is very important. Shooting yourself will kill you. Only if you do it right. Shooting yourself might kill you, but depends on where you shoot. Your heart is not that vein in your arm that has a pulse. Shooting yourself there is stupid. Don't do it. See the points in bullet number one.

Drinking a whole 750ml bottle of alcohol will not kill you. A 43% alcohol volume is nothing. You might end up excessively stupid & drunk, but you wont die. Again, see the points in bullet number one.

The last thing you need to consider, the consequences. What happens after you successfully kill yourself? What does that solve? Suicide has never solved anything. It most definately never will. What makes you think your death will solve anything anyways?