Toodles everybody!!!

First of all, I'd like to say toodles to everybody who's in my life. I don't need any of yous!

Yes I said "yous" that's a plural. I'm gonna talk to Mirriam Webster and tell her to add it to her dictionary. And if that's not the right spelling of her name, then tough! She's gonna have to change it too.

Coz at this point in my life, I'm at a point where I am unfuckwithable. Another word I'ma have added. Basically I'm rewriting the history of the world as you know it. Everything's gonna change. EVE-RY-THANG!

From the English vocabulary, to capital cities of small countries all over the world. I'm renaming everything I can't pronounce. Re-spelling everything I can't spell. Y'alls (can you keep up?) are not ready for what's about to commence. Yes. I said "commence". Not "start" or "happen" or any of those basic English words. I said "COMMENCE". Get on my level!

Your whole attitude about everything in your life is about to change. After this, you're gonna have to drink tea out of a coffee mug and your latte from your delicate China.

I'm sure you're read all those paragraphs hoping to at least get an idea of what exactly it is that's about to elevate my level awesomeness to an even greater amount of undisclosednessness. Don't worry, I'm about to inject some knowledge in your medula oblongata (I doubt that's what it's called, but like I said, I'M CHANGING EVERYTHAAANG!)

Yes, that's right... I'm on another level now. I'm not holding the lift. Soon as I see you running I'm pressing the "close door" button. <-- It's a metaphor. I'm adding that to the growing list of metaphors already out there. Not only will people be "jumping the shark" but they will be "riding the skinny greyhound". Yes, I'm adding that one. Who do I call? Matter of fact... Have them call me!

At this point I'm not making any useless calls about changing the English language. Queen Elizabeth better add me on her speed dial. King Zwelithini better add me as a friend on Facebook. Mswati better send her new wife to me for "verification purposes" before marrying! That's how I rolls now. (in case you haven't noticed, all my new words have and "s" at the end. Making them even more awesome. Are you paying attention, Mirriam?)

So... without any much further ado...

Let me just send a major shoutout to everybody who owes me money. Everybody who's ever taken anything away from me. Everybody who's ever taken a picture with/of me. Everybody who has established any sort of contact with me before today!
To each and everyone of yous...

1. Keep the pics.
2. Lose my old numbers
3. Frame all the pics you have of/with me
4. Keep the money!
   

That's it. I'm not accepting any more friend request from ordinary people. Only friendship requests pending on my FB account should be... Barrack Obama, Tiger Woods (for the golfing tips) and George Bush (he can use me as his spell-check. Or thesaurus at that). NOBODY ELSE!

Also... I'm changing everything. Idioms included.

I'm also adding what I'd like to call "comparative-idioms". Write that down, Mirriam.

Here are a few examples for your viewing pleasure so you can get an exclusive into the future of the English language:

• As angry as Chris Brown (you were expecting this one, right?)
• As faithful as Tiger Woods
• As smart as George Bush
• As hidden as Osama
  
• As black as Michael Jackson (too soon?)
• As healthy as Magic Johnson (okay... I'ma stop now)

I'm sure you get the picture though, right?

All this because of one simple thing. I WON TWO MILLION FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLARS!!!! $2,500,000.00!!!

How lucky am I!? VERY! Out of 250 000 random emails. They picked mine! Not yours. MINE! I'm a winner, you're not. Deal with it and move on.

Sure, that sounds like small change to Bill Gates, but wait till I get to Zimbabwe and convert those many zeros! I'ma be so freaking rich, I'ma come up with a whole new currency.

I might actually have to come up with a new "-illion" to suite my newly found wealth!

Bye everybody! I'm off to build a small island off the coast of Fiji! Population: ME!

Peace out!

read more...

In the event of my demise

I know this could be considered morbid or taboo or whatever, but I've been presented with death twice this week. First yesterday, and just a few minutes ago we were informed that a colleague passed away this morning.

So it got me thinking, not that I haven't been thinking about it or anything, but it just brought back that reality that death comes unexpected.

Even when someone's sick and they've been sick for months, just the thought of them being there one day and gone the next, makes you think long and hard about what we take for granted. About what we leave behind, who we leave this things to. How people are gonna cope with your passing.

At least that's what I was thinking about while everybody else was busy singing hymns...

Made me really wonder what people are gonna say about me on the day of my memorial service. I wonder. What good memories will they have to conjure up to make me look like the saint that I'm not? What are those things that I do with or to people and not consider the memory I leave with them to deal with? I wonder.

A lot of people don't actually take the time to tell people that they're doing a good job. Or just thanking them while they're still alive. These are the very same people who cry the most at funerals. The ones who faint. The ones who cry the loudest. I don't wanna be that guy. I don't wanna be that guy who doesn't say what's on his mind - be it good or bad.

That's one of the reasons why I am the way I am. If I like something I will say that I like it. If someone does something good, I will commend them on it. That I will do without fail. On the flip side, as much as good things are praised, bad things also need to be condemned!

I'd hate to be that guy they talk about in a nice way at the funeral. That guy that no one wants to say a bad thing about. I don't wanna be made into a saint. I am a human being. We all have our flaws. It's our mortal duty to see the good and bad in others and ourselves and to give credit where it's due.
Not to wait till someone's in a wooden box on their way down a 6-foot-deep hole. That's what I'm about.

So... in the event that I should meet my demise. I'm sure it will be the right time. As much as people might say "it wasn't his time"... I'm sure it would be the perfect time. I don't know when that might be, but I sure hope it's not anytime soon. I still have a lot I want to achieve. A lot I want to do. Not only for myself but for others as well. I know God doesn't read my blog, but I'm not writing this to/for him. I'm writing this for the world. Friends, foes and the indecisive.

I don't want people to get the wrong impression about me.

I hope and pray that I will have achieved all the things I'm set out to. I hope I will have touched as many lives as I was meant to. I hope I become all I was/am meant to be. I hope all those I leave behind have more good memories of me than bad.

I hope and pray, people don't forget me. May they never forget who or what I am/was. As selfish as it may sound, I hope people never "move on" from my passing. I want them to never forget me. Ever.

Don't worry, I'm not dying.

I'm just saying... in the event of my demise.

read more...