I've been miserable. I've been worse. On the flip side, I've also been better.
The past few months have been pure shit for me. Everything around me was making me miserable as all hell. And it only took me a few moments on twitter yesterday to realize all this.
I had been a real asshole to total strangers in the recent months. Maybe I can blame this on something. Or a whole collection of somethings. Bundled up together into one big something that ended up seeping out to my timeline on twitter.
I don't know. Maybe.
Wikipedia defines Self-realization as follows:
“Self-realization is a maturing of the ego or personality to accept its own evanescence and thus allow space for the true Self to reveal itself. The sun veiled by clouds is an apt metaphor for the Self's apparent absence in our everyday lives. The dissolution of the ego's obsessive, internal pre-occupations with its psycho-somatic complexes frees the psyche's energy to directly experience reality of the world as it is, free of any assumptions.”
I think that pretty much sums up what I think I was/am going through.
I can't pinpoint exactly when all this started, but what I can say is that I'm glad it's coming to an end.
I have never been as miserable as I have been in the past few months/years. I hate this small lifeless city I'm stuck in. I don't like the fact that there's absolutely nothing to do here except drink. Which is something I don't wanna find myself doing as a way to distract myself or whatever. Speaking of which… I haven't had alcohol in over 6-7 months. That's something worth celebrating, right?
I hated the fact that I was doing a job I no longer enjoyed because of what I mentioned above. You go to work, come back home, do it again tomorrow. And in the same job, you do the same mundane tasks that you've been doing for 4+ years. No growth. No challenges. No fun.
I had to get out. I have to get out.
You try bring something new to the table by challenging the status quo, only to be told, "that's the way it's always been done, don't change it." Why am I here then?
I wanted to focus this post more on my behavior on Twitter. I've been a real douche because of my situation on this end of the screen. I hated my job so much that I couldn't stand to see anyone happy about what they were doing. Regardless of what it was. Some I kept untyped, but some managed to leave my thoughts, through to my finger tips onto my timeline. I'm sorry for that.
A part of me was waiting for someone to say something so I can jump on them. Take out my frustrations on them. No matter who they were. Or what they did. It was that bad.
I'm honestly and truly sorry for that.
I always had the feeling that I was just hating on people because I was miserable. Which I should have acknowledged earlier, but I didn't. Now I am.
I'm sorry to everyone I offended, hurt, attacked and or insulted.
The only joy in my life was my wife and child — who is busy reaching for my phone, trying to help me type this at the moment. Beyond that I really didn't have much. Yes I had money and a new car but that wasn't enough.
"What good is a man to gain the world and lose his soul?"
*cue violins*
I had lost my soul. I know that's all a bit melodramatic, but that's really how I feel about this whole thing.
I had lost what made me who I am. I lost interest in things I thought would be with me forever. I wanted to get tattoos, I didn't. I was very active on Facebook for a while, I stopped even checking it. I have a photo-journal ( http://vida.tehpapercut.com ) I haven't updated since… I don't even know.
Basically it seems I just lost interest in living. And seeing other people living their lives on social networks exasperated that. Made me realize how miserable my life was, in comparison.
Which brings me to the next half of this blog post… self-actualization.
I think I'll make that a part2. My baby needs me.
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