Big Beautiful Women

If there's one thing I don't understand, is why chubby/hefty/thick women don't like themselves. Obviously not all of them are like this, but the few that don't, really disturb something deep within me.

As much as we can blame the media for portraying beauty as some skinny size zero model, that doesn't mean you as a bigger woman, have to comply.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with being bigger than your peers. Nothing wrong with not being able to wear what your friends wear. Absolutely nothing.

I understand that being bigger poses a bit of a threat to your health but who said you can't be bigger and still live heatlhily? Who said just because you're slightly over a certain weight, you have to eat a full chicken, a loaf of bread and two litres of Coke? No one. There's absolutely no reason why can't be you and still enjoy a proper meal every now and then. Instead of living off of celery sticks and peas.

It seems the trend nowadays is being a certain size. It's become more and more prevalent in the entertainment industry with musicians like Jeniffer Hudson and Marsha Ambrosius (from Floetry) looking like runway models.

Marsha before...
Marsha now...
I for one don't find skinny women attractive. I don't care if it's in your genes or not. Fast metabolism or not. Skinny is just not for me. Sorry.

Look at Chrisette Michelle for instance, she's not too skinny or too fat. She's just right, why can't that be the acceptable body size being marketed? More especially to out Black sisters who are comparing themselves to skinny White models all over the magazine covers. Before you pull out the race card, I know it has nothing to do with sking colour. Being skinny doesn't really go hand-in-hand with being of African descent. Ask anyone you know.

I don't understand women who say most men like skinny women for whatever reason. It's like saying most men like huge breasts and small behinds. Granted, some might, but not all of us do.

If only people would learn to love and accept the bodies they were born in. This world would be a much better place.

Me. Out.
Kisses to all my thick women out there!

DEUCES!!!

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Poor people making threats!

I'm sorry, but I just gotta be honest.

I hate poor people. I hate poor people, convicts, drug addicts, and anyone along those lines. Actually anyone who considers themselves "reformed" in any way is also hated by I.

Yes. HATED. Strong word, right? I know. I used it.

Before you get off your high horse to attack me... lemme explain.

You know how when you're chilling at home on a lazy weekend, watching TV and as you're channel surfing your way through the 50+ channels you've been blessed with... someone on some reality show (or whatever) just pops up with eyes full of tears and disgusting drool dripping from their mouths talkinf about how poor/violent/abused/bad/unfortunate/miserable they are/were?! <-- that's one sentence by the way. ;) Yeah, those people. Those are the typa poor/abused/violated/unfortunate/miserable people I totally hate!

Espcially the ones on "reality shows". They'll be all up on your TV screen talking about how they absolutely have to win. Based solely on the fact that they're poor/miserable/unfortunate or whatever sad excuse they can come up with.

These are the people that'll say something like "If I don't win this competition, I'm gonna end up on the streets again" or "I'm doing this for my family back home in the 2 roomed shack sleeping on an empty stomach every day"

I don't care too much for such people (see what I did there?). Those are the very people that shouldn't even be on such shows in the first place.

That's all good and well. And if by any chance you actually are talented and I think you deserve to win, then hells yeah! I'll vote for you. I'll vote till my fingers go numb or my airtime runs out. Whichever comes first. I'll vote till my fingers bleed and my phone overheats. Bottom line: I WILL support whatever it is you're trying out for.
But one mistake you shouldn't do is this... DON'T YOU DARE THREATEN ME WITH POVERTY! Or crime, or violence, or whatever misfortune you're faced with in your life. That has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that you're good or bad at whatever you're doing. NOTHING.

Don't be all up on my TV talking about if you don't win, you're going back to a life of crime and drugs and all that hogwash. I DON'T CARE! As a matter of fact, as soon as you mention anything along those lines, I'm completely discarding your attempt at anything you're trying to achieve.

If you really wanna win something or want to achieve something. Don't come up trying to use your background/past as a reason why you deserve to win or achieve that particular something. I genuinely don't care.

It's a pity that not a lot of people follow the same principles as me. Else we would be so much better of as a race.

Whose fault is it that you're poor/miserable/unfortunate? I dunno. And I don't care. Don't your misfortune to gain whatever you want. If you're talented you're talented. Leave it at that. Don't come and say the reason you're so good at whatever you do is because you're poor and it's all you have/had. Don't come and pull the pity card on me. It ain't happenin' yo!

I DON'T CARE!

I guess it's a well known fact that South Africans have a weak spot for poverty and misfortune. I think that's the reason why so many people pull the pity card when the moment calls for it. Doesn't work on me though.

Ok. Rant over. Normal programming will resume shortly.

:p

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Dear drug smugglers

It's come to my attention that a lot of drug dealers and drug smogglers alike, are getting their stash confiscated ALL THE TIME...

So, as a way to help the hustlers out, I've come up with a few ways of how they can prevent getting their "coke" locked up. Or even getting themselves locked up!

Let's go...

First off. Let's point out some obvious facts...

1. Drugs are normally a white powder.
2. Weed/marijuana/dagga is commonly transported they way it's grown... in plant form.

Why is it that when the druggies wanna ship their stuff, they always wanna use some impractical means like aerosol cans and hair products and such? Obviously if a can of hair spray is heavier than it should be, that's gonna raise some alarms. Be smart. Stop and think a moment... What other options are there? What would pass straight by customs and across that airport security sniffer-dog to get your shipment safely to where it's headed?

Come on... think. Think. Think!

Got it? Not? Okay, lemme help you out here...

You ready? You sitting down? You NOT high? Are you writing this down? OK.

Think outside the box a little. What's the one thing that the cops won't ever think of suspecting? What's so obvious that it actually isn't obvious? Think bruh, come on! I'll tell you what... If you're in South Africa, I'm sure you're very much familliar with this here product... It's called Grand-Pa. It's basically ground aspirin.

I know, you didn't think of that one did you? Nooo!

It's simple, all you have to do - being the 5-star druggie you are - is basically find a way to get your drugs into those sachets. Think about it, all your hardwork will be done for you! You don't have to worry about packaging, shipment or import/export taxes! I'm not actually sure if there are any taxes charged on drugs, but anyway...

How are you gonna know which of the boxes that leave the factory/warehouse are yours? Now that's totally up to you to figure out. But I can give you an idea, simply because I'M THAT GUY!
All you have to do is get someone on the inside to put your coke into the packaging machine. Then get more guys to keep track of that specific batch of Grand-Pa. Dunno how you're gonna pull this one off, but still.
This brilliant little idea is from the 1968 movie, Inspector Clausseau. You should watch it.

Next up, weed. How to get it from point A (usually Swaziland or Durban) to point B (usually Joburg) without a trace. Simple. Much like the first stroke of genius. This one also involves an inside job.
Get someone who works at a tea making company. Specifically the teabagging department. Even more specifically... the green tea department. Get them to bag your stuff for you. Simple. How many people/dogs will even suspect normal teabags to contain an illegal substance? I can't think of any. Can you? I didn't think so.If all else fails, then set up your own packaging and distribution factory and start a company that will deal directly with your most trusted clients. This might take you a while and not to mention, millions and millions of capital. Good luck with this one.

I'd suggest you take my advice and go with the first ideas though.

Peace out!

Bookmark this! You can thank me later...

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Toodles everybody!!!

First of all, I'd like to say toodles to everybody who's in my life. I don't need any of yous!

Yes I said "yous" that's a plural. I'm gonna talk to Mirriam Webster and tell her to add it to her dictionary. And if that's not the right spelling of her name, then tough! She's gonna have to change it too.

Coz at this point in my life, I'm at a point where I am unfuckwithable. Another word I'ma have added. Basically I'm rewriting the history of the world as you know it. Everything's gonna change. EVE-RY-THANG!

From the English vocabulary, to capital cities of small countries all over the world. I'm renaming everything I can't pronounce. Re-spelling everything I can't spell. Y'alls (can you keep up?) are not ready for what's about to commence. Yes. I said "commence". Not "start" or "happen" or any of those basic English words. I said "COMMENCE". Get on my level!

Your whole attitude about everything in your life is about to change. After this, you're gonna have to drink tea out of a coffee mug and your latte from your delicate China.

I'm sure you're read all those paragraphs hoping to at least get an idea of what exactly it is that's about to elevate my level awesomeness to an even greater amount of undisclosednessness. Don't worry, I'm about to inject some knowledge in your medula oblongata (I doubt that's what it's called, but like I said, I'M CHANGING EVERYTHAAANG!)

Yes, that's right... I'm on another level now. I'm not holding the lift. Soon as I see you running I'm pressing the "close door" button. <-- It's a metaphor. I'm adding that to the growing list of metaphors already out there. Not only will people be "jumping the shark" but they will be "riding the skinny greyhound". Yes, I'm adding that one. Who do I call? Matter of fact... Have them call me!

At this point I'm not making any useless calls about changing the English language. Queen Elizabeth better add me on her speed dial. King Zwelithini better add me as a friend on Facebook. Mswati better send her new wife to me for "verification purposes" before marrying! That's how I rolls now. (in case you haven't noticed, all my new words have and "s" at the end. Making them even more awesome. Are you paying attention, Mirriam?)

So... without any much further ado...

Let me just send a major shoutout to everybody who owes me money. Everybody who's ever taken anything away from me. Everybody who's ever taken a picture with/of me. Everybody who has established any sort of contact with me before today!
To each and everyone of yous...

1. Keep the pics.
2. Lose my old numbers
3. Frame all the pics you have of/with me
4. Keep the money!
   

That's it. I'm not accepting any more friend request from ordinary people. Only friendship requests pending on my FB account should be... Barrack Obama, Tiger Woods (for the golfing tips) and George Bush (he can use me as his spell-check. Or thesaurus at that). NOBODY ELSE!

Also... I'm changing everything. Idioms included.

I'm also adding what I'd like to call "comparative-idioms". Write that down, Mirriam.

Here are a few examples for your viewing pleasure so you can get an exclusive into the future of the English language:

• As angry as Chris Brown (you were expecting this one, right?)
• As faithful as Tiger Woods
• As smart as George Bush
• As hidden as Osama
  
• As black as Michael Jackson (too soon?)
• As healthy as Magic Johnson (okay... I'ma stop now)

I'm sure you get the picture though, right?

All this because of one simple thing. I WON TWO MILLION FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLARS!!!! $2,500,000.00!!!

How lucky am I!? VERY! Out of 250 000 random emails. They picked mine! Not yours. MINE! I'm a winner, you're not. Deal with it and move on.

Sure, that sounds like small change to Bill Gates, but wait till I get to Zimbabwe and convert those many zeros! I'ma be so freaking rich, I'ma come up with a whole new currency.

I might actually have to come up with a new "-illion" to suite my newly found wealth!

Bye everybody! I'm off to build a small island off the coast of Fiji! Population: ME!

Peace out!

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In the event of my demise

I know this could be considered morbid or taboo or whatever, but I've been presented with death twice this week. First yesterday, and just a few minutes ago we were informed that a colleague passed away this morning.

So it got me thinking, not that I haven't been thinking about it or anything, but it just brought back that reality that death comes unexpected.

Even when someone's sick and they've been sick for months, just the thought of them being there one day and gone the next, makes you think long and hard about what we take for granted. About what we leave behind, who we leave this things to. How people are gonna cope with your passing.

At least that's what I was thinking about while everybody else was busy singing hymns...

Made me really wonder what people are gonna say about me on the day of my memorial service. I wonder. What good memories will they have to conjure up to make me look like the saint that I'm not? What are those things that I do with or to people and not consider the memory I leave with them to deal with? I wonder.

A lot of people don't actually take the time to tell people that they're doing a good job. Or just thanking them while they're still alive. These are the very same people who cry the most at funerals. The ones who faint. The ones who cry the loudest. I don't wanna be that guy. I don't wanna be that guy who doesn't say what's on his mind - be it good or bad.

That's one of the reasons why I am the way I am. If I like something I will say that I like it. If someone does something good, I will commend them on it. That I will do without fail. On the flip side, as much as good things are praised, bad things also need to be condemned!

I'd hate to be that guy they talk about in a nice way at the funeral. That guy that no one wants to say a bad thing about. I don't wanna be made into a saint. I am a human being. We all have our flaws. It's our mortal duty to see the good and bad in others and ourselves and to give credit where it's due.
Not to wait till someone's in a wooden box on their way down a 6-foot-deep hole. That's what I'm about.

So... in the event that I should meet my demise. I'm sure it will be the right time. As much as people might say "it wasn't his time"... I'm sure it would be the perfect time. I don't know when that might be, but I sure hope it's not anytime soon. I still have a lot I want to achieve. A lot I want to do. Not only for myself but for others as well. I know God doesn't read my blog, but I'm not writing this to/for him. I'm writing this for the world. Friends, foes and the indecisive.

I don't want people to get the wrong impression about me.

I hope and pray that I will have achieved all the things I'm set out to. I hope I will have touched as many lives as I was meant to. I hope I become all I was/am meant to be. I hope all those I leave behind have more good memories of me than bad.

I hope and pray, people don't forget me. May they never forget who or what I am/was. As selfish as it may sound, I hope people never "move on" from my passing. I want them to never forget me. Ever.

Don't worry, I'm not dying.

I'm just saying... in the event of my demise.

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